13 June 2009
President Barack Obama
The White House
Dear President Obama,
I am writing this letter to voice my concern that your administration has not yet appointed a Pie Czar, and to nominate myself for that position.
All good Americans understand that our bountiful country is capable of producing the best pies in the world. Unfortunately, in some parts of America, the pie is simply awful. Improperly baked, bad recipes, and pies with unsavory ingredients abound. This is not your administration's fault; bad pies are a problem inherited from a previous administration.
I know that your administration has an overflowing agenda of important things to accomplish, believe that pie regulation should be simple, and that it should not divert your attention from more important matters. The current major pie issues have to do with taste and appearance more than anything else. Pie safety, while critically important, is not an urgent matter at this time. Pie-borne illnesses were conquered generations ago, and are now as rare in the U.S as malaria.
I am aware that there is, at present, no Congressional oversight of pie. I believe that this situation should be corrected by appointing a Congressional Pie Committee, with leadership authority residing in the House of Representatives.
The names of several possible Pie Committee Chairmen have been mentioned, including Rep. Barney Frank and Rep. Tammy Baldwin. Rep. Frank, while highly influential, may not be the best choice, as there could be questions about his credibility if he claims to have eaten and enjoyed pie. Rep. Baldwin, however, campaigned as a person who has eaten a lot of pie, and would be the better choice as Chairman.
Finally, I wish to nominate myself as the Pie Czar. I have extensive experience with pie, including both fruit and cream styles, and advanced knowledge of pizza theory as well.
I look forward to speaking with you at your earliest convenience.